By Dr. Bethel Webb

As a counselor who sits with countless people professing to be believers in Jesus Christ—those who attend church every Sunday, read the Bible, and pray daily—I’ve noticed that these individuals often do not feel closer to Jesus than the next person who practices none of these spiritual disciplines.

Why is this? They know a lot about God, but they do not converse with Him. What do I mean?

Take Person A. She grew up in a Christian home and knows a great deal about God. When hard things happen, she doesn’t really talk to God about her experiences. Instead, she talks to herself about the facts she knows are true about God. So, rather than praying, “God, what I’m experiencing is so difficult, but I know that You are good and sovereign,” she ends the conversation there.

Another example is Person B. He didn’t grow up in a Christian home and came to know Jesus later in life. Whenever he faces a predicament, he beelines to his favorite website or podcast to see if they have an opinion on what he’s struggling with. There’s nothing inherently wrong with this, except that the people he consults don’t know his context. These voices speak in sweeping terms and often share only one perspective on the issue—the so-called right perspective. When Person B struggles with or disagrees with their opinion, he has learned to dismiss his disagreement and accept their interpretation as God’s Word to him.

Then there’s Person C. She was never taught how to think for herself or study the Bible independently. On top of that, she attends a church where she’s told not to trust her own wisdom because her heart is corrupt. Whenever she reads Scripture, she doubts her understanding. Since she’s never been taught how to interact with the Holy Spirit—because she’s been told God only speaks through the Bible and that the Spirit’s role is limited to convicting her of sin or giving her courage to share the Gospel—she rarely reads the Bible. When she makes a decision, those around her ask, “Do you think that’s wise?” If her convictions don’t align with theirs, she’s accused of sin. As a result, she’s given up and relies on others instead of engaging with an invisible God.

Finally, there’s Person D. He deeply feels emotions and relates to others with all his heart. However, when it comes to spirituality, he’s been told not to trust his emotions because they are fleeting and deny the truth about God. When he approaches God, he suppresses his emotions—especially the negative ones—and meets God with a forced enthusiasm. During an incredibly trying season in his life, Person D bursts out in a prayer of yelling, pouring out all his negative emotions to God. Immediately afterward, he feels guilty for asking questions and for not containing his emotions before God. He never tells anyone about this interaction and feels even further from God as a result.

So what in the world is going on?

The examples above are more common than you think. In fact, this seems to be the norm. We need to name these experiences so we can properly address them.

1. Talking for God
   • Knowing about God is not the same as knowing God, says J.I. Packer in his book Knowing God. Somehow, though, our church discipleship programs never move forward from catechism to experiential relating with God. I think, first and foremost, our current ministers have not been trained in relating with God either.
   • Our way of relating with God is largely informed by what we feel about Him. Notice I did not say what we believe about Him. To relate well with God, we must first be truly honest about how we feel about Him.
2. Relying on Other People’s Opinions
   • There has been a growth in Christian influencers creating content based on their opinions of “what God says in His Word.” Some are great, but most inject their opinions rather than help you discern God’s Word for yourself. We have erected these people as our priests—a conduit for God, an incarnation of the Incarnate. We go to them instead of God. I won’t lie: when I am feeling lazy, I do this too. It’s so easy, and I don’t have to use my brain or RELY ON GOD. Waiting on and relying on God might seem like a waste of time, but we rob ourselves of the sweetness of a relationship with Him when we do this.
3. Fear-Mongering and Lack of Knowledge About the Holy Spirit
   • In some churches, the Bible has essentially become the third person of the Trinity. This is mainly a reaction to the Pentecostal movement’s emphasis on the Holy Spirit. Over time, this reaction has evolved from “We need to align our understanding of the impressions of the Holy Spirit with the Word of God” to “We won’t even talk about the Holy Spirit at all.”
4. Emotions Are Seen as Anti-Spirituality
   • This deserves a whole other blog post. Feeling emotions, particularly negative ones, is often pitted against holiness. But experiencing emotions is what makes us human, and creating safety for expressing all types of emotions is what makes a relationship meaningful and fulfilling. Denying or removing emotions like fear, doubt, and struggle from spirituality hijacks the Spirit’s work in us

Where Do We Go from Here?

1. We need to ask God questions.
Asking questions gets a bad rap because it is often conflated with doubting and eventually deconstructing. Have you ever had a meaningful conversation with someone where neither of you asked any questions—even a clarifying question?

Asking questions is not the same as doubting, and doubting in itself is not a sin. It’s what you do with that doubt.

Do you take it to the Lord, or do you move away from Him to find answers? I am not going to deny that many people who start asking questions from a place of pain and fear. But I’ve also found that people who ask questions from a place of pain and faith often end up having a stronger relationship with God.

2. Let us wrestle with God.
In Genesis 32, we find Jacob’s story. At first glance, this passage seems random. However, when you read the whole chapter, you’ll see Jacob’s state of mind. His brother Esau, whom he deceived and from whom he stole the birthright, is approaching him with 400 men. Verse 7 reads, “Jacob was scared. Very scared. Panicked” (The MSG). Before this, Jacob was talking to God. He prayed:

“God of my father Abraham, God of my father Isaac, God who told me, ‘Go back to your parents’ homeland and I’ll treat you well.’ I don’t deserve all the love and loyalty you’ve shown me. When I left here and crossed the Jordan, I only had the clothes on my back, and now look at me—two camps! Save me, please, from the violence of my brother, my angry brother! I’m afraid he’ll come and attack us all—me, the mothers, and the children. You yourself said, ‘I will treat you well; I’ll make your descendants like the sands of the sea, far too many to count.’

What can we notice about his prayer? Jacob affirms who God is. He reminds God of His command to him. Then, he thanks God for His love and favor towards him. Afterward, he asks God for what he needs: “Save me, please.” Finally, he reminds God again of His promise to Jacob, which serves as his declaration of faith.

How does God respond? God wrestles with Jacob. God didn’t just tell Jacob, “Do you know who you’re talking to?”

I don’t want you to miss this: God wrestled with Jacob (v. 24). God initiated the wrestling match.

In this wrestling, God “threw Jacob’s hip out of joint.” That sounds painful. Why would God do that? That was God’s kindness to Jacob. He knew Jacob wasn’t going to win, but He also saw that Jacob wasn’t going to let go. God could’ve killed him in the process, but even Jacob recognized the significance of coming out alive (v. 30).

God is kind. He is willing to wrestle with us when what He’s asking us to do feels difficult and hard. He does not expect blind obedience; He expects us to engage with Him. And He will give us the endurance to obey.

3. Let us learn how to wait on God

“Lord, just tell me what to do! I just want to know now!”

I’ve said these words before, and I’ve heard my clients say them as well. We are so impatient, mostly because we are fearful and anxious.

What if my choice is wrong? What if I miss God’s will?

This is exactly why we need to be in close proximity to God. What do I mean by close proximity? In his book Hidden in Christ, James Bryan Smith encourages the reader to practice imagining that Jesus is with them in everything they do. My first reaction to that was, “NO WAY! I grew up with people looking over my shoulder, waiting for me to make a mistake.” Then my second thought was, “But then Jesus will see all the ways I fail Him.”

I kept reading the book, and it highlighted the importance of understanding that Jesus already knows my sin before I even commit it, and He has already forgiven it. Not only that, but the Holy Spirit is within me, helping me to choose to follow the way of Jesus. Romans 8:1 is very vital here.

YET! We know this in our heads. But unless we actually try to practice the presence of Jesus, we will never have the opportunity to renew our minds.

Why don’t you do that right now? Imagine that Jesus is with you—whether right beside you, in front of you, or right behind you. He is not there to correct your every move; He is there to provide you with peace. (John 14:27) Jesus promised, “I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice” (Luke 6:47). As a result, you will find rest in Him. (Matthew 11:28)

Do Not Miss Out

The Triune God wants to inform you of the things you need to know. Of course, He uses other people to help you make decisions. But before you do, come to Him first. James implores you, “If you don’t know what you’re doing, pray to the Father. He loves to help. You’ll get His help, and won’t be condescended to when you ask for it” (The MSG, James 1:5).