By Dr. Bethel Webb

Making and maintaining friendships as adults can be tough. As a counselor, I often hear clients express how challenging it can be to navigate these relationships. Some friendships are full of joy and support, while others feel more draining than fulfilling. There are those with such strong empathy that they end up being taken advantage of, and others who are open and honest but find that their friends aren’t quite as willing to reciprocate. Many people struggle with even knowing how to assess whether their friendships are good for them in the first place.

If you’re unsure whether your friendships are truly enriching your life or causing more stress, here’s a handy checklist to help you evaluate the connections that matter most. Select the item if it is true of your friendship. Leave the item unselected if it is not true of your friendship.

1. Mutual Support

I feel genuinely supported by my friend, emotionally and practically.

My friend feels comfortable seeking support from me.

We celebrate each other’s successes and offer a shoulder during tough times.

We help each other grow and encourage our personal goals.

Is there for me during both good times and difficult ones.

2. Effort & Communication

We both make an effort to stay in touch regularly (text, call, meet-up).

We communicate openly and honestly with each other.

I don’t feel like I’m always the one initiating plans or reaching out.

We both make time to catch up, even during busy times.

3. Trust & Vulnerability

I feel safe sharing my true feelings, thoughts, and insecurities with them.

My friend confides in me and trusts me with personal matters.

We respect each other’s privacy and handle sensitive topics with care.

We can be vulnerable without fear of judgment or betrayal.

We have other friends outside of our friendship.

4. Fun & Enjoyment

We have fun together, whether we’re out on an adventure or just relaxing.

Laughter is a big part of our time together.

We enjoy each other’s company, no matter what we’re doing.

I leave our hangouts feeling happy, uplifted, and energized.

We do things that are both fun for us. Or we take turns choosing the activities that we enjoy. 

5. Respect for Boundaries

We both respect each other’s time and personal space.

We’re mindful of each other’s mental and emotional needs.

We understand that it’s okay to have different hobbies, opinions, or life priorities.

I feel comfortable saying “no” or setting limits without receiving any comments that would leave me feeling guilty.

6. Conflict Resolution

When conflicts arise, we talk them through calmly and respectfully.

We listen to each other’s perspective before reacting.

Apologies and resolutions come quickly after disagreements.

We can move past arguments without holding grudges.

7. Shared Values & Compatibility

We share common values and life goals.

Our personalities complement each other—no major clashes in our approach to life.

We both respect each other’s differences and find common ground.

We enjoy being around each other’s friends and families.

8. Spiritual Life

Encourages me to grow in my relationship with Christ.

Is truthful with me, even when it’s uncomfortable.

Prays for me and with me regularly.

Shares the same core Christian values and beliefs.

Holds me lovingly accountable and helps me grow in my faith.

Scoring:

• Mostly True: You’ve got a strong, healthy friendship! Keep nurturing it.
• Some Not True: There’s room for growth! Consider talking to your friend about ways to strengthen the bond.
• Mostly Not True: This might not be a healthy friendship. Reflect on whether this relationship is serving you both and if changes need to be made.

Remember, friendships evolve, so don’t be afraid to have conversations that help both of you grow together!

Boundaries as a form of love and service

But Bethel, what about the commands in the Bible to serve one another? Do we only stay in friendships that serve us? 

As a Christian who is well versed in the commands to serve one another, it’s natural to feel uncomfortable assessing friendships in this way. We see Jesus loving people in ways that they could never love him back. The Bible encourages us to serve one another in love and humility. Verses like:

• “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted…” (Ephesians 4:32)
• “Live in harmony with one another…” (Romans 12:16)
• “With all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love…” (Ephesians 4:2-3)

These verses remind us of the importance of serving and building each other up. Serving others is a vital part of the Christian walk.

Additionally, the Bible gives us clear direction on the kinds of relationships we should nurture. In Galatians 6:2-5, we’re encouraged to “test our own actions,” with the reminder that “each one should carry their own load.” In the Western church, many shy away from being a burden, making it hard for people to accept help. Yet, there are also those who twist these verses to take advantage of others’ kindness and willingness to serve.

Proverbs 22:24-25 warns against forming close bonds with those who are consistently angry or unrepentant, as their influence could lead us astray. Some people are toxic and refuse to change, and staying in these relationships can strain our well-being. We must be careful not to get trapped in the guise of “serving” someone when it’s really doing more harm than good.

While service and support are key elements of Christian friendships, we are also called to discern when a relationship may not be healthy or when we are not the right person to help. The balance lies in offering love and service while recognizing our own boundaries and limitations.

Boundaries aren’t just about guarding our own space—they actually help the other person too.

Sometimes, people may need counseling or mentoring to work through their struggles. While we can still be friends with them, it’s important to set strong boundaries that protect both ourselves and them. Boundaries aren’t just about guarding our own space—they actually help the other person too. In fact, when we allow someone to become too dependent on us, we unintentionally prevent their growth. By maintaining boundaries, we’re creating space for them to grow, change, and become more independent. It’s not about pushing people away—it’s about supporting their journey in a healthy, sustainable way.