My short reflection on being sick

I got sick for the first time since I got COVID way back in 2021. Sunday morning I woke up with a heavy feeling. I was hoping it was nothing serious because I had a whole busy week planned. Missing work was hard for me. I knew that my clients understood and was thankful that I am not getting them sick as well. But I still had this feeling in my gut that I failed them. I feel the internal pressure of accomplishing things so that I don’t appear irrelevant at work, even though I know that my supervisor is patient and kind. I hate not being able to cook for my husband or help him even though he has assured me that I have nothing to worry about. Writing this very blog post is an attempt to appease myself.

For years now, I have been healing by mind and soul. During this particular instance, the need to work and produce in order to feel important, worthy, and admired are the cancers that needed the healing balm. Obviously, I have a job and I have responsibilities that I need to fulfill. Working and producing are not evil. But this soul sickness runs deep into my being. It is inculcated in my brain that doing will earn me worth, love, and admiration.

But I know the truth-

God still loves me even when all I can do was lie down and catch breath. God still gazes at me with pleasure even when all I was doing was sleeping. I knew God is pleased with me even when I was just sitting on a chair all afternoon with tissues stuck in my nose. I know that all of these are true of me because I am made in God’s image, that Jesus did it all for me, and that Jesus’ life is imputed upon mine. I cognitively know that I don’t have to earn God’s love.

I have people around me who love me unconditionally for who I am. I am adored by my husband, cared for by my friends, respected by my colleagues and loved by my clients.

I know these are never-changing truth.

But see, why are these truths hard to come by when my body is well? I get home from a full day of work and immediately after eating dinner I feel like I have to keep doing work. Otherwise I feel lazy and unproductive.

I know what is true and I know that I believe what is true. I also know that healing takes time and it might be a process that will be for a lifetime. But God sends relief and reminder from time to time. During this season of sickness, I know that intentionally doing nothing was an opportunity for me to still feel loved by God in spite of my lack of productivity. All I have to do is exist.

I don’t have to do anything…frankly, I cannot do anything to earn God’s love for he freely gives.

This is the nature of God’s love and I am gazing at it with awe.

And I do not want to deny the reality that humans are not like God. They have expectations. Some people require work in order for me to be loved and affirmed. How am I to deal with this?

Grace.